The days I gave birth to my children were not the best of my life.
They were the scariest, most painful, powerless days I have ever experienced.
When people hear you had a difficult birth the most common response is ‘well, they’re worth it’ or ‘at least they are healthy’. It feels as if you are being ungrateful, trivial or melodramatic for finding the experience traumatic.
Yes, of course my children are worth everything to me and I am thankful for them everyday. But that doesn’t make their births any less of an ordeal.
It doesn’t take away the memories of excruciating pain. It doesn’t stop those moments of sheer panic wondering if my daughter would be born alive. It doesn’t delete the slow motion montage of her being given oxygen and waiting desperately for her to cry.
When I was pregnant I wrote a post about making the right birth choice. When you experience a traumatic birth there is no choice, no control, no consultation. Your body is not your own but in the hands of a team of strangers.
I had a difficult birth with J. He became stuck after 3 hours pushing and I ended up with a forceps delivery. I then suffered a severe hemorrhage and needed surgery and two blood transfusions. I missed out on the lovely, natural water birth I dreamt of and my recovery was slow and painful.
I hoped baby A’s birth would be healing in some way. I knew I wouldn’t be allowed a water birth but I was hoping that I could manage no intervention. It was all going well – although very painfully as I had progressed too fast for an epidural – until baby’s head was out.
Then the midwife pressed the emergency button and suddenly the room filled with people. My baby was suffering shoulder dystocia and had become stuck behind my pubic bone. Her umbilical cord was being dangerously compressed and the medical team needed to work quickly to free her by
I couldn’t help my baby and I couldn’t help myself. We were powerless, fragile and our fates were in the hands of others. I felt like my body was being ripped apart and the most intense pain and fear tore through every inch of me.
Those few minutes were the longest of my life.
Finally she was out and rushed away to the paedeatricians. I could hear myself repeatedly saying ‘Is she alright? I want to hold her.’ Instead, I was being painfully prodded and poked to assess my internal damage and stem the bleeding while she was given oxygen.
Eventually the ordeal was over and I was handed my beautiful baby girl. I didn’t cry. I think I was still in too much shock. It wasn’t until later, on the recovery ward after surgery, that I allowed myself to relax and take her in.
My perfect little daughter.
I feel blessed to have two beautiful children. I know some women aren’t as lucky, either through infertility or loss, and I feel thankful for my family each and every day.
But it’s OK to say your children’s births were not the best days of your lives. It’s OK to say it wasn’t a magical experience. It’s OK to admit you are struggling to deal with the experience.
It doesn’t mean you love your children any less. It doesn’t mean you are ungrateful. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
And remember this is just the start. There are many more magical days to come.
Two years later…
I wrote the original post just three weeks after giving birth to my daughter. I was still in shock, trying to process what had happened and struggling to come to terms with it.
I suffered flashbacks, constantly replaying the birth. It fuelled my anxiety around keeping J and A safe with their allergies and I felt constantly on edge and emotional.
I reached out to my health visitor who put me in touch with the local mental health team and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was given a course of CBT therapy which I didn’t find very helpful but I did feel I was coping better with time.
Then, a few months ago I was running a course at an unrelated hospital. I walked past the maternity ward and immediately felt scared, anxious and out of control. I realised all those feelings of fear, guilt and powerlessness were repressed but not dealt with. Luckily, I talked to my wonderful friend and therapist Chloe Gold and one session of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Neuro Linguistic Processing (NLP) with her has made a massive difference.
I didn’t realise what an effect it was having on every aspect of my life. I still wonder what could have been and I still mourn the lack of positive birth experiences but I feel I have fully addessed my feelings now.
If you have suffered a traumatic birth, or are struggling to deal with your experience, whatever it entailed, don’t be afraid to reach out. Talk to your partner, your GP or the Birth Trauma Association.
Love this and you’re so right. My babies births were traumatic and petrifying so definitely not the experience I was after! #maternitymondays
I think lots of women don’t have the experience they were hoping for and it’s important to be honest about it.
Thanks, sharing my experience has helped me deal with it and I’m glad you have managed to do the same.
What terrifying experiences for you both times. It must have been so scary and so hard waiting to hear if your babies were ok. I think if I’m being honest my wedding day was better and I had a natural water birth!! Having kids is just a minefield and you can’t predict how you will feel at all. I hope all is healed and you are well now xx #maternitymondays
That’s really interesting to hear that your natural water birth wasn’t great either. I think it’s easy to look at other women’s births and feel jealous but it can be difficult, painful and scary in any circumstance. Thanks for being so honest.
I really can’t imagine what it must have been like to have such scary experiences, my birth was very straight forward, the only complication was it being too quick to make it to hospital! Even with my easy birth I wouldn’t say it was the best day of my life, I personally was too shocked to take it all in and realise what had happened, the next few days of bonding and spending time together as a family were the best days.
#mummymonday
Not making it to hospital sounds pretty scary! I agree, getting to know your baby in those early days are truly special.
Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear you had such a difficult time both times. You’re right and they see worth it by that doesn’t lessen the trauma you went through and you’re right, it is definitely OK to say that it wasn’t the best experience! Thanks for linking with #MaternityMondays
Thanks. I have my gorgeous two children now so at least I can happily say I won’t be doing it again!!
That does sound like a very scary time – both times. I guess I was quite lucky with my labours as they were all quick and pretty uneventful on the whole, but I always go into shock a bit afterwards and I can’t honestly describe them as magical either. I know 5hat every labour is different, but I just don’t get those women who ‘love’ giving birth.
#MummyMondays
No I don’t either! I think it’s one of the most extreme experiences you can ever go through.
Thanks for sharing this Emma.
Mine was odd and long.
Started in slow labour on the Tuesday and waters finally went on the Friday at 6pm. I hardly had any contractions and was so so ill. Was told to sit in a bath and hence ft an infection. I kept telling them it was happening. They admitted me at 7am Saturday morning. I was eventually taken to labour ward at 7:30pm. I was to be induced as I wasn’t having contractions. I kept telling them I felt I needed to push. Again told no way as no contractions were showing on monitor. When they finally examined me at midnight his head was there!
Panic stations as I was high risk and was supposed to have epidural (health reasons). After 2 hours of still no pain and no contractions I eventually pushed him out.
Very scary as I wasn’t listened to and they think he had been in burth canal for 12 hours. Very cone shaped head bless him.
Sorry you had such a long and scary labour. I think not feeling listened to makes it so much worse and I wish some midwives would realise women know their own bodies.
Oh I am so sorry to read you had horrible experience’s, it really taints things doesn’t it. I had a similar experience with my 1st, it was a very long labour, massive 3rd degree tear and huge blood loss, 2nd time around a little better, still tore but not as bad but thankfully didn’t bleed as much. I was very, very scared during pushing though. Sometimes it really helps to write these things down to clear your head doesn’t it?
#maternitymondays
It really helps, yes. I find writing things down helps me work through what happened and my feelings and it’s quite cathartic.
Love the honesty of your post. There’s so much pressure in being a mum and the expectation before your “big day” is that it will be amazing and you’ll be handed this baby and be overwhelmed with love and it will be magical. Whilst I have been lucky to have really easy births I would never call the experience magical or dress it up. It is what it is alot of blood, sweat, poo and other unmentionables. I think if more of us spoke about it like this less people would think there was something wrong with them for “not feeling the magic” and then less people would feel guilty for not feeling it…………..think I’ve gone on a waffle not sure that even makes sense! But the bottom line is great post and thank you for sharing your insight I totally agree! #mummymonday
Thanks Zoe. Totally makes sense! Yes,I think there is a lot of guilt about not feeling the way we think we’re supposed to.
Aww what a lovely read. Birth is something that no one can expect the only thing you know is there will be a baby coming out of you somehow, this was something that scared me. Thanks for sharing! Suz x Beauisblue.com
I think the whole process of growing and birthing a baby is baffling! And yes, the only guarantee is it’s got to come out somehow.
I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. You never know what to expect with child birth and things may not go to plan. I really enjoyed your honesty in this post. Thank you for linking up #mummymondays
Thanks, I hope being honest about my experiences can help someone else deal with theirs.
So true! To be honest, giving birth is terrifying and horrific. It’s worth it, of course it is but wow!
I think you’ve summed it up really!!
Having had 3 straightforward births, I cannot imagine what you must have been through. I’ve had a long labour, a short induced labour and an active, drug free water birth; I felt traumatised to a degree after them all and I didn’t have to experience anything like what you have. I think people make comments like ‘Oh, they’re worth it’ because they don’t know what else to say. It’s a horrible thought that you and/or your baby were in danger and people want to push that away. Post natal recovery is something a lot of people are blasé about; after all, it’s something so many of us go through. I think there is an expectation that we just get on with it. I’m sorry you didn’t get an experience you wanted or deserved. When I read this, I thought you were extraordinarily strong. You did everything you could to ensure the safe arrival of your babies, despite horrendous pain and threat to yourself. You’re a hero
Sorry your births were so traumatic. I was lucky and mine were uncomplicated, but they weren’t enjoyable. I agree that you don’t have to say that giving birth was a good experience. #sharewithme
I think it sometimes feels like an unwritten rule that must say it was good when that’s not most people’s experiences.
Thanks for writing this, I do think that organisations such as the NCT do tend to sugar coat birth a bit and make you believe you have “choices,” but frankly, in my experience once things get going you have very few choices and just have to accept whatever nature chooses to throw at you! I ended up having an emergency C-section and felt as though I had let myself down, which I know is silly as my baby was born perfect and I should be grateful for that.
This is such an important message to get out there. I had a horrendous birth with my first son, a 4 day labour, forceps delivery and he was born not breathing were just a few of the things we went through. People said after thai I shouldnt complain as I eventually ended up with a gorgeous baby boy, but it was not a nice experience. #brilliantblogposts
Sorry to hear you had a horrendous experience and that people said you shouldn’t complain. It’s wonderful to end up with a beautiful baby but your wellbeing is just as important.
I really detest the idea that mothers have to claim the day their baby was born was full of joy. My experience was horrid, and I’m not ashamed to say not at all something I enjoyed.
I think we do a disservice to expectant parents by making it seem all perfect, labors rarely go to plan!
Sorry to hear your experience was horrid but you’re right, it’s important we give people realistic expectations otherwise they just feel let down.
What a terrifying experience for you. It must be horrible to feel so powerless 🙁 My mummy was one of the lucky few to have a water birth and be in total control….but then she is a bit of a control freak sometimes. You’re right the magical bits come afterwards, when you are at home and secure in your comfort zone x Thanks for this honest post x #BriliantBlogPosts
The magical bits are definitely getting to know your baby after 9 months waiting.
Aw gosh how awful that you such a bad experience both times. It must have been truly terrifying for you x #sharewithme
Thanks, it was pretty terrifying but I feel I am dealing with it now.
Sorry to hear you had such a challenging births with both. Bless you. I hate when people say they are worth it. Of course they are its a given but that doesn’t mean we can’t vent about how we got them here in this big wide world. My sister had two horrendous births with my nephews and even though they are happy and healthy babies it took a while for her to get pass some of the trauma and some of it will always stay with you. It’s an experience like the rest of life not to be put aside. Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again soon. #sharewithme
Thanks Jenny. Yes, I think it stays with you like any trauma and we need to try and lose the guilt so people feel able to talk about it and heal.
I can relate so much to this. I had to have a crash section, and then M spent 3 weeks on NICU. It was the worst time of my life, especially that first night when I was just stuck on my own unable to move. And I still felt guilty even typing that! 🙂
It’s so easy to feel guilty but sounds like a horrible time and those first nights can be so hard.