I am the woman that stalks your newborn baby down the food aisles just to catch another glimpse.
I am the woman who coos over their soft cheeks and perfect tiny features.
I am the woman who lingers a little too long.
Miss A is one and a half now and a fully fledged, walking, talking little person. She is a whirlwind, a beauty and delight but she is not a baby anymore. And I’m not quite ready for those days to be over.
It all seemed to go too fast. I know everyone says it does but when you are in the midst of it, you can’t see the other side. Now I am the other side, I want to replay it all, slow it down, relive those first cuddles and tiny toes. I want to breath in her newness again and marvel at how I made this perfect little person.
I am the woman that is mourning the end of her baby days.
I am the woman who can’t believe she’ll never have a newborn again
I am the woman that wants to freeze her children in time.
My little boy is 4 in a few weeks and starting school in September. He is hurtling out of his early years and I am clinging onto his littleness before it’s too late. I love how engaged he is with the world, all the questions he has and how much fun we are going to have together as he grows up. But I want to hold him so close and never let him go.
I know we’re not having any more, for many reasons. Financially, emotionally and practically it makes sense for us to stop at two. Throw infertility, a miscarriage and two traumatic births into the mix and it would be silly to go for any more. I feel lucky and blessed with what I have.
But that doesn’t stop the yearning. That doesn’t stop the broodiness overflowing.
I know I am seeing it all through rose tinted glasses. I know I am glossing over the pain, exhaustion and relentlessness of bringing a baby into this world. But that’s the thing with being broody, I don’t have to worry about all that. I can just think about the baby kicks, the magical moment of meeting that tiny person and the endorphin fuelled sleepy snuggles.
I am the woman that I thought I’d never be.
I am the woman that just can’t let go.
I am the broody one.